The Twilight Zone

I’ve been keeping my feelings at bay on my blog about how I feel right now because there’s so much beauty going on around us and the sun is shining brightly, etc., but I feel like I’m in the freakin’ Twilight Zone.


I love watching this show, but I never dreamed I would be in it myself. I go through my days kind of emotionless. People could poke me with a thousand needles and I wouldn’t feel them. Some stupid second shift boys at work were having a huge fight right next to me and I didn’t give a crap at all. I am so tired of being this way, I just want to feel again. I need change now! I can see why people do drastic things when somebody very close to them dies. Not that I’m going to do anything drastic, I’m just saying I understand it! Life’s too short, and I want mine back! I’m here to tell you, this doesn’t get easier with time, it’s getting tougher, and my Mom and brothers concur. So those of you that are fortunate to have your Dad still, please go hug him so tight, never let him go, and smother him with kisses, and if he gets sick, MAKE him go to the doctor.

P.S. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just telling it like it is. And I appreciate all of my friends’ beautiful blogs! It’s therapeutic to read your blogs and see your wonderful photos! Thank you so much! Now I’m off to try to gain some feeling back into myself.


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ruth
    May 19, 2007 @ 13:58:10

    In the past, people wore mourning clothes for months and were entitled to their grieving. Now we expect people to get over it and get on with life very quickly. You will feel alive again, likely in a richer and more grateful way.


  2. Pam
    May 19, 2007 @ 15:29:30

    Ruth – thank you for the reminder that people used to be entitled to grieve for a long period of time. I am entitled to this, my Mom said it will take at least a year. I can feel that I will be different. Thank you so much for your comment.


  3. MojoMan
    May 19, 2007 @ 18:47:40

    In the Jewish tradition, mourners say a special prayer, twice a day every day with a group of at least ten other people for a full year after the passing of a loved one. I’m sure other traditions recognize that these things take time, too. Take your time. Let the feelings wash over you. Maybe sharing some of those feelings and memories in your writing will help. Good luck. I wish you well.


  4. jayne
    May 19, 2007 @ 19:30:57

    I agree with Ruth. Time does make it less pronounced, but the pain will always be close to the surface. You feel what you feel, plain and simple. Know that you have so many hugs and prayers being sent your way, and that after a while, you WILL feel less numb. Love and hugs to you Pam.


  5. laurie
    May 20, 2007 @ 00:48:09

    I can’t imagine mine is very therapeutic for you right now. I understand if you don’t want to read it. But please know that you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. It takes a long time to start feeling human again, but it will happen. I promise.

    And I also promise to hug my daddy as soon as I can.

    Here’s a hug for you as well…*hug*


  6. Pam
    May 20, 2007 @ 08:26:03

    MojoMan – The Jewish tradition sounds like a very supportive one that would help the grieving process for sure. Thank you for your input – I’m feeling less numb but can’t wait to feel “normal” again.

    Jayne – Thank you so very much for your hugs and prayers. I’m looking forward to being less numb, for sure.

    Laurie – I read it because I feel bad for you (yay, I do have feelings in there) in what Dale and you and your son and family are going through. It is not easy. Glad you’ll hug your daddy, he looks like a nice daddy.


  7. Laura
    May 20, 2007 @ 12:04:03

    You have to allow yourself the time that others won’t. It’s not for other people to understand – take care of you and yours and the heck with the rest!


  8. Mary
    May 20, 2007 @ 19:06:33

    And here I am talking about my Dad who is living. But you know I understand how you feel. After my Mom died a year ago, I didn’t have time to grieve. My life got so incredibly busy that I didn’t have time to feel anything. It’s not until now and in the recent months, that I have grieved. We are all different Pam. We do what we gotta do.

    Grieve on. Soon, you will FEEL again.


  9. lizalee
    May 20, 2007 @ 19:27:07

    When people tell you that it gets easier, they don’t tell you that it takes A LONG TIME before it gets easier. You are smart to know that you need time and that you need to not make any drastic changes in your life. Being numb for awhile is a protective device and your brain and heart need that right now. Be kind to yourself.


  10. Cathy
    May 21, 2007 @ 15:05:19

    Pam – I somehow had missed this post. Again, it resonates with me so much.

    I once found this on a website about grief: ” Grief is sometimes compared to climbing a spiral staircase where things can look and feel like you are just going in circles, yet you are actually making progress.”

    I know there are days when it seems all down hill.

    There is so much wisdom embodied in the comments of your fellow-bloggers. I’m glad you’re able to express your pain. I’ve known people who bottled it up and it finally emerged years later. There’s no easy route through this agony. Only patience, time and the support of understanding friends and family.


  11. Lynne from Hasty Brook
    May 21, 2007 @ 16:57:44

    Dear Pam, everyone grieves differently. It was at least a year before I could think of my Dad without tearing up. Now, three years later it’s less painful but still, some memories are very emotional. It might sound strange but my Mom didn’t seem to start her grieving until after the first year. You said you want to feel normal again, well I think you’re going to have to find a “new” normal. Might not be the same as before, but with time (again with the time) I hope it will be comfortable. Hang in there- hugs for you.


  12. Pam
    May 21, 2007 @ 18:32:58

    Laura – thank you for your words – I know you understand and I really appreciate your help. That’s right, to heck with the rest!

    Mary – oh, please do talk about your Dad, it’s nice to know other daughters who love their fathers to pieces like I did (and still do) mine.

    Lizalee – oh for sure you are so right about it talking a long time. Thank you so much for your words.

    Cathy – that’s interesting because that’s how I feel, like I’m climbing a spiral staircase. Yup, today was a downhill day and it didn’t help when I had to pick out cards in the store today and a huge display of father’s day cards smacked me right in the face.

    Lynne – thank you for letting me know how it is for you, it really helps. I know there’s a piece of me that will always be sad. I used to be able to laugh at the drop of a hat, and I want to be able to find humor in everything again, maybe in a different way now. Thanks for the hugs, and hugs to you, too.


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